


St George of Life

by scap3goat (kriegswaffel)



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mind Meld, Mind Rape, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spiced Peaches (e-zine), Telepathic Bond, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-08 20:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4318650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kriegswaffel/pseuds/scap3goat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Accidentally bonded and subjected to too many non-consensual mind melds, McCoy begins to suffer the consequences once he finally could have what he always wanted. He never wanted a knight in shining armour, but he might need a comrade to help him slay some dragons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Heart

Their relationship had always been a complicated one.

He'd never understood Spock's absolutely unemotional way, later he'd come to understand the necessity due to the depths Vulcan emotions ran to. He'd thought he'd have a heart attack from all the emotions when he first melded with Spock, during that fateful pon farr relapse Bones stupidly had thought he could cure with some emotionally unattached sex.

He'd stupidly ended up bonded to Spock, stupidly begun to fall in love with the stubborn Vulcan.

It wasn't that he'd insisted on a relationship with Spock, they both had been very clear on how they were free to seek a relationship elsewhere, but when their mission ended and Spock left for Vulcan to rid himself of all emotion Bones couldn't help but feel a little left behind. After all he didn't have any grand rituals to console himself with.

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

_"You're getting emotional and irrational again. Your adrenaline levels are spiking again. You are not over that pon farr thing."_

_"Doctor..."_

_"Look me in the eyes and tell me I'm wrong."_

_Spock raised an eyebrow. "I cannot do that."_

_"Then I'm right," McCoy triumphed._

_"Indeed, I regretably must confirm that you are."_

_They both were silent for a moment, then McCoy spoke again, his voice softer than usual. "And what are we going to do about it?"_

_"We are not going to do anything. Since I dissolved my betrothal to T'Pring my options in this regard are limited to exactly zero."_

_McCoy rounded the Vulcan slowly. "Do you have to mate with a Vulcan woman?"_

_"No. There is no indication that biology dictates heterosexual intraspecies mating."_

_"I'm going to regret this," McCoy said and leant back against his desk, eyes cast down and a smirk playing around his lips. "I'm a doctor, not a... whatever you want to call it... but to be blunt, I'm offering you sex."_

_Spock stared straight ahead but the emotions flitting across his face were frighteningly obvious. "I cannot allow you to do that."_

_"Dammit, Spock, I can take one for the team. I'm not gonna let you die." He scowled at the stubborn alien. "Unless you want to ask Jim, of course. Chapel probably wouldn't mind, but she's emotionally invested already."_

_Slowly dark eyes mustered McCoy from head to toe and back. "I do not wish you any harm. And I wish to spare you the embarrassment of being associated with my state."_

_A smirk crawled back on McCoy's face. "There's probably worse than to be the guy who bedded a Vulcan, but it's just too bad that I have to suspect that we caught the Tarkalean flu and will be confined to our quarters for a week."_

_Spock's hands were clenching at his sides, tensing as he was trying to make a rational decision._

_"Pon farr is not just sex, Doctor."_

_"We'll deal with the rest afterwards. It's the only option you have to survive, isn't it?"_

_Spock nodded slowly. "Yes."_

_"Then it's the obvious solution," McCoy concluded._

_Spock lowered his eyes. "Yes. Quite regrettably so."_

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

He'd later felt something, seven years later, to be precise. A subdued sense of need that still kept him awake all night and sweating through his pajamas. He didn't know if it was the distance or Spock's attempt at Kolinahr that caused the relatively mild case. But since Spock didn't call for him McCoy suspected that the later was the case.

Likewise he didn't know if Spock could feel him in return, at least over the distance, and restrained himself from taking the obvious route. He just sat it out and wondered if it would be like that for the rest of his life now.

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

The rapid succession of first Spock's return, then his death and his resurrection and traveling back three hundred years would be enough to make any man feel decades older.

But Bones eventually felt just weary.

Half of the time he felt like he was missing something since Spock's death and especially since his katra had been returned to him, the other half of the time he was still avoiding touching Spock to avoid the sting of intrusion he couldn't ignore whenever their bare skin made contact and the telepath's mind flitted briefly against his.

He was used to touching, as a physician it was his job and he'd learned early on that a casual, non-medicinal touch during an examination was reassuring to most patients and that habit had snuck into his personal life as well. Spock and Jim were both his friends, avoiding touching them was not in his nature.

But Spock's transferring of his katra and the melds and rituals on Vulcan seemingly had broken a dam of sorts and released memories of the mirror universe's Spock forcing a meld on him, the feeling of helplessness coming over him now whenever Spock touched him.

It was illogical and naturally he did not speak to Spock about it.

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

Then everything changed.

They began to not only spend time together, they began to talk again, just chatting away as they'd used to. McCoy began to feel the pull of those old emotions, the love he'd come to feel for Spock. And in between all the jokes and friendly insults someday they began to talk of their bond, Spock telling McCoy how he'd come to remember them back on Vulcan. How the healers had marvelled at the close joining of their minds, suspecting it to be a result of McCoy carrying Spock's katra.

How he had not told them of the true nature of their bond as he had begun to feel shame when he was reminded of what he had done to McCoy, first leaving him to deal with the aftermath of their joining alone and then forcing his katra on his bonded, the person who he was supposed to protect from all harm.

Bones assured him that he harboured no ill feelings towards Spock for his actions and that everyone would gladly help out their bonded, even if it meant putting themselves in harm's way.

Slowly their shared meals and odd off-duty hours turned into regular dates and evenings spent together and Leonard began to stop fearing Spock's touch. He began holding out his hand to Spock for the occasional finger-kisses or just handholding, the static flicker of their bond becoming familiar again.

They acknowledged the fact that it was a bond, not just an inconvenience that had happened and wouldn't affect their future.

They acknowledged the fact that Bones' feelings on the matter had never quite resolved - and that they had a chance to set things right and be what they maybe had always been meant to be.

He told himself that it was all fine, Spock would never harm him.

And that's how he agreed to take their relationship to the next, un-Vulcan because intimate, level.


	2. Soul

Spock's confusion at McCoy's behaviour was only ever growing.

Despite agreeing to share a more intimate relationship and a productive first phase their progress stalled and even regressed at some points. At first Leonard had shown him how he liked to sit tucked under Spock's arm while they were reading - and Spock had felt a not unwelcome sense of peace - then they'd progressed from such platonic touches and their fingers touching to more intimate, human gestures, such as kisses, and at some point after this things had changed.

Sometimes Leonard would break away from Spock mid-kiss and of lately he often sought solace as well, but denied that anything was wrong.

Spock knew no other way but to consult with the only human who he could hope would begin to understand the problem.

"Spock, how nice of you to call. How are you doing?" Amanda greeted him from the view screen in his quarters.

"My personal situation is satisfactory, yet I have called you in hope of even improving it."

Her face changed fractionally into one of surprise. "Oh?"

"I have called to ask for your guidance in a matter of a personal, intimate relationship," explained Spock. "As I find myself entering one with Leonard McCoy."

Instantly Amanda's face lit up. "Doctor McCoy? You're a couple now? You don't know how happy that makes me."

He had almost anticipated her reaction, extrapolated from previous incidents where her feelings had overruled the purpose of conversation for a moment. "Mother, please. You shall have time to celebrate this, but right now I am in need of advice."

"Of course, Spock," Amanda said and sobered. "What's the matter?"

Spock paused, suddenly unsure how to phrase his concerns. "Recently, after admitting to our relationship and respective feelings on the matter we agreed to take a less Vulcan approach, incorporating more intimacy into our daily life. At first all seemed well but as of lately Leonard has chosen to withdraw from me more often and begun to turn down my invitations or even attempts at communication at times.

"He is behaving illogically, Mother, even taking into account the emotional side. Should he not be happy and search out contact?"

Amanda's face softened. "You've got to talk to him about it."

"He claims to be fine. I was hoping you could give me an insight from your own experience with a interspecies relationship."

"Oh, all right," Amanda began, seemingly collecting her thoughts on the matter. "From my personal experience, being with a Vulcan, who's so used to his telepathy and the influence it has, can be tiring for a human. Your father gradually began to introduce me to it, it took quite some time to work up to our first meld."

"But Leonard has had previous contact to telepaths in general and me in particular. He has suffered no ill effects before and never expressed distress at the proceedings."

"Spock, darling, humans aren't that easy," Amanda explained in a soft voice. "We sometimes feel that we can't talk to the ones we should talk to most. We're riddled with insecurities and pride and a lot of confusion."

Spock nodded. "How do I proceed?"

She sighed softly. "Give him time and space. And gently - gently! - suggest that you're there to talk if he's having any problems with your contact."

"Thank you. I shall confer to you the results of this course of action."

With a brief goodbye he cut the feed and leant back in his chair.

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

Over their shared dinner Spock suggested that it may be time to tell his parents of their relationship and Leonard smiled softly and nodded, reluctantly admitting to feeling proud and flattered that Spock deemed what they had important enough to inform his parents. For a moment Spock was surprised that Leonard might think that their relationship was not of the utmost importance to him, but he realised that he had not exactly shown or told him before.

After dinner they sat together again, Leonard leaning against Spock. For some reason Spock felt his gaze drawn to his bond-mate over and over again, the sight of him bringing him an illogical feeling of satisfaction even though the weight leaning against his side should have given him ample security that he hadn't just vanished.

At some point Leonard noted and looked up at Spock. "You keep staring at me, is something wrong?"

"No, k'diwa," Spock replied gently.

Leonard tilted his head. "That sounds nice, I've never heard you say it before, though."

"It is short for k'hat'n'dlawa, an ancient term meaning 'half of my heart and soul'. It has been suitably unfashionable after the Reformation. However I feel it does encompass a large portion of our shared history and deem it appropriate for us."

Leonard smiled softly. "It does." He bit back a yawn and leaned against Spock again.

Not in the least willing to part from Leonard Spock suggest that they share their sleeping quarters tonight. It drew a wide, suggestive grin from Leonard and a brief chuckle. "Why not?"

Spock counted it a success when McCoy kept talking about how much he enjoyed having Spock close, how comfortable to was to cuddle close to him because he was cooler and it didn't feel like overheating. Spock indicated that he enjoyed the confidence of knowing his bond-mate was close and if anything were to happen to him Spock would be there.

When they lay in bed Spock carefully sought Leonard's lips in a kiss and was relieved to feel him reciprocate. At some point there also was a warm, human hand on his bare midsection and if he had been human he would have smiled with the feeling of peace that spread through him.

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

The next morning Spock woke alone, briefly remembering waking in the middle of the night when Leonard had left the bed. Then he'd assumed it was to relieve himself, but the bed next to Spock was only warm enough to account for one sleeping Vulcan, not for the presence of a sleeping Human.  
He got up and found nothing but a short note from McCoy that he was up already and working.

The computer logs indicated no medical emergency that would have required the CMO's presence so Spock was confused.

When he contacted McCoy the explanation he was given was that McCoy had woken and felt unable to fall asleep again so he'd gotten up as not to disturb Spock. It was a perfectly reasonable explanation and yet did not ring true with Spock. Anything that would have kept McCoy up in Spock's presence - and he was viewing this from a logical, psychological point of view because it was known that bond-mates could and would automatically adapt to their partner's state of mind - would have to be 'big', as Humans would say.

Yet McCoy claimed, as always, to be just fine.

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

It would take Spock a few more weeks and one incident in particular to figure out what was wrong.

Again, McCoy kept withdrawing at odd times, sometimes during intimate moments and sometimes not so intimate moments.

One time Spock didn't see him for the rest of the day after only a few moments and a gentle brush of fingers against McCoy's hand, one time they spent an entire evening trading lazy kisses and caresses until they fell asleep - only for Spock to wake up alone in McCoy's bed again.

In one fevered moment McCoy had just pulled him in for a kiss and they had engaged in rather surprising and quick intimacy in a storage closet that left McCoy with a satisfied, mellow grin for the rest of the day but Spock barely saw him the next day, McCoy always slipping away within moments of Spock appearing.

Human emotions were difficult and fickle, Spock decided and came to the conclusion that rather than trying to track and explain each of them he was to see the larger picture, if he was to find an explanation for McCoy's reactions.

His plans to meditate on the matter to aid him visualise and track McCoy's behaviour on a whole were interrupted by the very subject of his concerns and his invitation to dinner.

Spock didn't think much of it until he entered McCoy's quarters, the lights dimmed and a table set for two under a window.

Leonard had put a lot of thought into the setting, had found a rare vintage of Vulcan wine managed to surprise Spock with each course - first plomeek soup with kreyla that was still warm, then kleetanta with fortati sauce and finally fresh solar.

During the dinner Leonard was attentive and placid, conversing with Spock in a calm voice and with a smile on his face.

When asking whether there was a special occasion for the rather special meal they shared the grin on McCoy's face widened and he shook his head, claiming that he just had wanted to make Spock feel special.

As Spock had suspected the evening didn't end there; after sitting on the sofa for a while, and listening to Spock's recollection of the incidents of his workday, Leonard initiated a shy kiss. As a few times before they got bolder and this time Leonard made his intentions clear by unclasping Spock's uniform jacket and pulling it off his shoulders.

Spock raised an eyebrow and that drew a more daring grin out of McCoy, that in turn making Spock feel more content.

After ridding McCoy of his uniform jacket he got up and for a moment feared he would withdraw again, but instead he was pulled up as well and led to the bedroom. On the way McCoy shed his boots and Spock happily embraced his mate once they stood by the bed. They kissed again, slow but intimate, and slowly undressed each other.

Leonard dropped on the bed and skidded back a little, waving Spock closer with a smirk. Spock happily complied and crawled up to his mate and pulling him close. He thought he understood now, Leonard had merely been trying to set a mood with the dinner, a sort of Human mating ritual.

"I do feel special," he reassured Leonard and this time it drew a small chuckle from his mate.

The kisses turned more passionate and Spock gave in to the instinct of running his hands all over McCoy.

And suddenly Leonard almost violently broke away from Spock, putting at least a foot of space between them before getting off the bed completely. Spock sat up, confused by the reaction and unable to pinpoint what caused this reaction, only remembering a sudden spike of fear passing through the bond before Leonard pulled away.

"Len, k'diwa? Have I hurt you?" he asked, equally concerned for both being the cause for Leonard's flight and for harming him while he pulled away.

"No, yes," Leonard replied off-handedly, running a hand over his hip where instantly three dark stripes formed again, presumably scratches left by Spock's fingernails. "No. No, I just... I should have given you a warning. I-I'm sorry. I'm going for a shower, need to clean these…”

When Leonard had vanished Spock got up and got dressed. He was 97.87% sure that Leonard would not want his concern regarding his injury or the reason for suddenly pulling away. But it seemed like he would get his chance to meditate on the issue.

And maybe this occurrence would give him a better insight.

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

Eventually he came to a conclusion and found his only way would be to confront McCoy.

Without much preamble he walked into the CMO's office one day and began to speak:

"I must speak to you in your capacity as the chief medical officer of this vessel. It has come to my attention that a crew member might suffer from a psychological affliction."

Leonard looked up at Spock and nodded, signalling him to continue.

"He has shown signs of post-traumatic stress."

Now Bones he frowned. "Post-traumatic stress? In what way?"

"I can only report on his behaviour. He has, again and again, been withdrawing from similar situations without offering plausible explanation and exhibited signs of stress at those times. I cannot make claims to any flashbacks or recurring thoughts around a possible trigger, yet I was able to make out a common denominator in the situations he has withdrawn from."

"That does sound like post-traumatic stress," McCoy answered. "Who are we talking about and what's stressing him?"

Spock paused a moment for replying, aware that it would cause a major rift between them. "You. And me."

As expected McCoy's face turned dark. "I am not experiencing post-traumatic stress!"

"You keep withdrawing from situations in which you have bodily contact with me. It does not matter how brief or frequent to contact, but I can tell from the last time that you are stressed and experiencing even fear. I cannot say what causes this but my analysis is sound."

McCoy stood now and glared at Spock. "You're wrong."

"No," Spock replied calmly. "I am certain of my observation. And I did not confront you to cause a rift between us or to insult you. My concern is for your well-being and I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to help you, if you so wish. Post-traumatic stress is not a matter of strength or weakness. Different things contribute to our susceptibility to it, but in the end it only a matter of the number of trauma experienced."

If Spock hadn't known Leonard as well as he did he would have assumed that the man had stopped listening by the way he had turned away. His stance, the hanging shoulders and lightly tilted head however told Spock that McCoy was still listening.

"I shall await you. Do not hesitate to contact me, no matter the time of the day."


	3. k'hat'n'dlawa

It took Leonard a week to muster the strength and emotional control to show up at Spock's door.

He realised that it had been a miracle that Spock hadn't picked up on it sooner, hadn't found traces of what happened in McCoy's mind - but maybe it was harder to pick up because they were the same person?

"Back, during the old days," he began without any introduction, "and we encountered that mirror universe I had an unfortunate run-in with that evil twin of yours. Instead of asking nicely he... melded with me."

By the end of those two sentences he was shaking violently, wrapping his arms around himself to not let it show.

"Recently those memories have come back to me. I thought I could manage, until that one time you kissed me and your hand cupped my cheek I just... I saw him and I felt him in my mind and I panicked. Ever since then I randomly got the same feeling. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't you, but I couldn't... I'm just afraid."

Spock had quietly listened and now got up to step closer to McCoy. "I cannot claim to know how you feel as I have never experienced something like this before. Yet I am willing to try everything to help you to come to terms with this."

It was a small step, but an important one. Slowly Spock wrapped his arms around McCoy, making sure not to touch his bare skin.

"I am sorry for hurting you the last time," Spock said softly when he felt his mate relax. It had been an unfortunate accident, neither was to blame, but apologising felt right.

"I don't mind a few bloody scratches," Leonard said and laughed shakily. "But the next time I want them because the sex is so good."

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

The process was not an easy one, not even in theory.

The first rule established by McCoy was that he did not want Spock to change anything about how he was acting around Leonard, he did not want any second guessing of casual or not so casual touches.

The first rule established by Spock was that McCoy was not allowed to retreat, there was to be no room for fears silently festering away and growing into an even bigger problem.

When, after a few unsuccessful melds, they were not closer to getting to the core in the Vulcan way the second (third?) rule they implemented was that McCoy needed to see a counsellor.

Neither of them was happy about it but after another two failed attempts at the Vulcan way McCoy yielded to logic.

It was far from easy to tell the ship's counsellor of his problems, of the fear of touching Spock when the man had never done anything but bring him pleasure and only a brief moment being touched by the mirror universe's Spock had left him scarred.

It wasn't hard to understand that the melds including and following Spock transferring his katra to McCoy and the fal-tor-pan had stirred up the memories of the previous meld, he had considered that before.

It was hard to admit that he had been violated. The first time the mild-mannered Trill had used 'mind rape' to describe the circumstances McCoy had jumped up and paced the room and ranted for twenty minutes.

"Those are not my words, it the translation from the Vulcan term. Sometimes the hardest part is accepting what happened to us for what it is. We hide behind technicalities, we don't want it to get too close to us because that hurts worse than denial."

McCoy just glared at her bitterly. "There was nothing sexual about it."

"In either instance it's never sexual for the victim. But considering you'd previously been intimate with a Vulcan and now it poses a problem in your intimacy as well you will have to come to terms with it."

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

It took McCoy weeks and several sessions to come to terms with the fact that the mirror Spock's attack had been the most intimate violation of the mind that he could think of. And although he realised that he had been helpless he still was working on not being angry with himself for the fact that he couldn't and hadn't fought back.

It was during one of those moments when he felt most devastated by the perceived lack of progress when he admitted to his and Spock's failed attempts to just have Spock reach into his mind to rid himself of the memory or somehow make it less scary.

"We can't hope for others to slay the monsters in our minds. We have to defeat them ourselves. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, but we cannot hope to achieve freedom as a damsel in distress."

He nodded, grimly, and thought it better not to mention the recurring dreams he'd been having: He was watching as Spock slayed a dragon but when Spock turned around the dragon got back up, just a tiny bit larger and tiny bit more menacing than before.

Maybe it would have been better but he felt uneasy even just thinking of mentioning it.

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

Spock contacted his parents and officially reported to them his new relationship status.

Amanda congratulated him and Sarek claimed to find no means to judge Spock's choice - which probably meant that he had wished something else for his son but that he could not logically question his choice as he himself had made a similar one with Amanda.

The next time Spock called them Leonard was present and tried to be on his best behaviour. Pride filled him at being officially introduced to Spock's parents as his bond-mate, at least officially they were progressing somewhere.

In turn McCoy wrote to Joanna about her possible step-father and she replied with a message that mostly consisting of her asking whether he meant the same Spock that he complained about at every possible occasion.

Over drinks Bones even found the courage to bring up the matter with Jim.

There was a bit of a hangover the next morning, for both of them, but otherwise the Captain received the news of his two best friends and most trusted officers dating very well.

Maybe part of it was because he still thought McCoy was planning an elaborate joke.

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

Leonard's contact with Spock remained as it was, sometimes strained when his flashbacks and fears came over him repeatedly and all he could do was sit back and do the basic meditation Spock had taught him to calm down. He tried to fill his mind with his mantra:

_I am not helpless, I am not alone. Painful things happen and I cannot control them, but I am only helpless if I let them control me._

The effects were minimal, it seemed.

Some days he was aching to touch Spock, waiting all day for the moment when he could just hold him close, kiss him and maybe proceed to more - until he finally did and all too soon he felt the panic rise in him again.

Particularly the lack of anything beyond kissing and careful touches above the waist felt like a step back from what they had, but then the last time they could claim as 'more intimate' had been mostly clothed and afterwards Leonard had still felt the same fear hit him in the face once he reminisced the experience.

In an effort to feel not as alone but not to freak out randomly during the night Leonard and Spock still shared a bed at times, but making sure to keep some distance between them.

It felt much worse than Spock sleeping in his own quarter a few hallways away, but Leonard tried to tell him differently.

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

"Sometimes things get worse before they get better," were the counsellor's words when McCoy broke down to tell her.

"Lovely saying, one I've never heard before," he grumbled. "So, when does this 'getting better' set in? Every time I tell myself that I am in control I feel even less in control. I am helpless! Not because I was assaulted, because I let this happen to me, because I let it control my life and now I'm too helpless to take my control back. And without control I'll never be able to be with Spock. The sex wouldn't even matter, but telepathy is a part of him. I just want to share that with him, dammit!"

He turned away and sighed.

"I'm beginning to think that it'd be better to let Spock go. He should have a chance to be with someone who he can share his whole self with, not just a purely intellectual level."

"That isn't a decision you can make by yourself."

His face was red as he continued, clearly flustered but angry enough to go on: "Hell, I can't even think of Spock without freaking out. I've tried, believe me, but it doesn't have to be an actual, physical touch to trigger my fears. Sometimes it just needs to be the right mood and a thought of Spock and I'll end up panting into my pillow - and not in a good way."

"You need to make a rational decision on this, not one based on what you think is right and rational. Choosing to end this because you're not in control does not mean taking control, it means relinquishing your will as well as your control to your fears. It will feed them. At the very least sleep on this and talk to Spock about it."

He sighed and nodded slowly. "I'll sleep and I'll talk to him."

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

_The barren wasteland surrounding the ruins of the castle - he assumed, only the foundations were left - seemed even bleaker than they usually did. Smoke rose in the distance, the grounds burned and scattered with shields and weapons. But apart from himself he couldn't make out any sign of any living being ever having been here._

_But as usually it didn't take long before the monster appeared at the distance, its voluminous body swaying with every step and making the ground shake. Its mouth dripped with acid that burned the ground when another step caused another drip._

_And it didn't take long before Spock arrived, ready to wield his sword in a fight against the beast._

_He struggled and although Leonard knew that he was most likely to succeed at first he feared the moment when Spock had slain the monster and would turn to him, Leonard watching paralysed as the ugly head would lift itself up again to tower over Spock, ready to strike, surely delivering a fatal blow._

_Before he'd even completed the thought Spock had already pierced the beast's neck and now wrestled his sword out of the vile flesh, careful in avoiding the acidic blood dripping out of the wound._

_Leonard tried, tried calling out, shouted until his throat was raw, but no matter how loud he tried to shout, no word was to be heard. In his panic and his fear for Spock he looked around for anything, anything to catch Spock's attention but he realised that would only make him turn around sooner and the beast to rise faster._

_At last his eyes fell on the ground before him and for the first time he seemed to realise that the walls around him were not more than two feet high.He'd noted the fact that the building was in ruins before but for the first time it occurred to him that they were neither protection, nor a prison._

_Gathering all his courage he stepped over the wall and grabbed one of the swords lying around, not bothering with a shield or protection. After all, when the monster was done with Spock he would be the next it would turn to anyway._

_He would not go down without a fight and he would not let any harm come to Spock._

_Brandishing the battle-worn sword he raced towards the monster - Spock had wrestled his own out of the monster and turned around to see Leonard storm towards him._

_The huge head was just beginning to rise when Leonard rushed past Spock, slashing once-twice against the head before forcing the sword through the ugly face, piercing the head to the ground. There was a brief struggle but then the beast stopped and even seemed to shrink in death._

_Spock regarded him with astonishment and Leonard's fear for Spock slowly ebbed away._

=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=#=/\=

It was late and Spock in meditation when the door chime sounded softly. He rose and asked for the visitor to come in and had to admit that he was surprised to see Leonard. He was even more surprised when his bond-mate stepped up to him and kissed him - despite the rule that Spock was not to treat Leonard any differently Leonard had stopped initiating contact for a while now.

"I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing you and I'm afraid of remembering him. I'm afraid of being helpless. But even though that happened to me I'm not helpless - as long as I don't let my fear control me."

Spock blinked at Leonard, who was standing close now, head bowed and forehead resting against Spock's shoulder. Slowly his arms came up around the other. "I cannot pretend to understand what prompted this, but I am glad to have you here."

Leonard chuckled softly. "Well, it seems that I finally understood what it means to stop being the damsel in distress and be your own St George. Can I stay with you tonight?"

"This reference is one I'm unfamiliar with, but I would enjoy you staying with me."

Spock briefly parted from Leonard to blow out the candles he had lit for his meditation and noted how Leonard stripped and got comfortable on Spock's narrow cot. With some reservation Spock stripped as well and joined Leonard, fully aware that they were touching from head to toe. But to Leonard it seemed the most normal thing to cuddle up close to Spock.

"Lights out," Spock ordered and closed his eyes; he opened them instantly again and stiffened when he felt fear flitter at the edge of his consciousness.

Leonard however was breathing evenly and for a moment Spock was confused, even wondered if it was himself who had summoned the feeling.

"Fear is supposed to protect us," Leonard said then, letting Spock know that he was the source of the feeling. "But this fear isn't protecting me anymore, it destroyed my sense of protection and controlled me. I think I realised today that I wasn't really trying to fight it, hoping that something or someone else would protect and rescue me, and it fed my fear. Now, I can either cater to this fear and ultimately lose you or fight it in earnest, although that means stepping out of my comfort zone. I know that doesn't mean that I've won, it only means that I've got a chance. We have a chance. Because I love you."

Spock nodded and merely kissed McCoy's hair, the emotional onslaught of pride and love for his bond-mate leaving him speechless.


End file.
